Tom was guest again in The Wisdom Factory and presented his latest findings from his work as a couples' therapist: How can a severe crisis be transformed into an opportunity to create a deeper connection between the spouses? Tom shows us a case study and explains the strategy with which he succeeds to get the partners shift into a new phase of their marriage with increased intimacy. It is not an easy task, but certainly possible with the guidance of an experienced therapist. Tom explains the steps based on his integral awareness and gives very clear insights in the power distribution in a couple, into healthy and unhealthy ways of being together (Adult-Child dynamics) and points to the appropriate patterns to apply in specific situations.
Part I Tom Habib, Ph.D. "Intimate Couples becoming 2nd tier explorers" The Couples Line - Intimate Couples Growing-Up Together The whole conversation and all the info around the show at the Wisdom Factory Website (click here) Please consider to subscribe to The Wisdom Factory YouTube Channel at http://bit.ly/YT-WF
Part II of Tom Habib, Ph.D. "Intimate Couples becoming 2nd tier explorers". The specific technique to achieve couple we space is described in this segment. The whole conversation and all the info around the show at TheWisdomFactory.net (click here) Please consider to subscribe to The Wisdom Factory YouTube Channel at http://bit.ly/YT-WF (or click HERE)
Part III Tom Habib, Ph.D. “Intimate Couples becoming 2nd tier explorers” Eight Directives to achieve We-Space All 4 parts of the conversation and all the graphs and tables shown in the video can be downloaded at TheWisdomFactory.net You can also click HERE Please consider to subscribe to The Wisdom Factory YouTube Channel at http://bit.ly/YT-WF (or click HERE)
Part IV Tom Habib “Intimate Couples becoming 2nd tier explorers” The Couples Latice - Stages and States The whole conversation and all the info around the show at TheWisdomFactory.net or http://bit.ly/TomHabib Please consider to subscribe to The Wisdom Factory YouTube Channel at http://bit.ly/YT-WF (or click HERE)
Intimate Couples becoming 2nd tier explorers This is a full version of the conversation with Dr. Tom Habib with Heidi & Mark in The Wisdom Factory. (http://bit.ly/TomHabib) The version labelled Parts 1-4 above are edited copies of this full version that also has explanations, graphs, and photos to help those new to Integral Theory. Otherwise thay are identical copies. You can also listen to this as a podcast and find the respective charts referred to in the audio at TheWisdomFactory.net HERE Please consider to subscribe to The Wisdom Factory YouTube Channel at http://bit.ly/YT-WF (or click HERE)
00:00 Introductions and mechanics
02:53 First question for Tom. Why is reaching “we space” more difficult for intimate couples than for others? Tom explains that couples carry so much “baggage” that it’s actually harder to get past it into a “higher” state than for others with whom there is no history. This is true even for “integral” couples with their complicated relationships.
06:50 “Thinking” integral isn’t enough, and often not necessary
08:49 Great Rumi quote
09:30 Lower right is slow to develop, we often have an upper left bias
10:10 The Couples Line of Development chart: Tom introduces the levels
1 – Safety and attraction
2 – Roles
3 – Relational
4 – First Love
5 – Spiritual
13:00 How to get from Relational to First Love. Heidi wants clarification. Tom explains the persistence of earlier stages even at the relational level (where therapy typically stops!)
15:54 The goal is to develop the intimate we space . See chart: resonance and shared feeling. Tom gives directions and examples…and Heidi throws a curve.
19:00 Eye gazing! Leads to a resonating feeling (May takes months of practice!)
22:00 Resonance can extend beyond the couple to others not present then or there (non local awareness)
23:00 It gets easier to enter the we space and is sought out, is easy to initiate
25:00 Some impediments for some couples, stability is required
26:50 Not limited neither temporally nor geographically, no need to be together, power places
31:00 (box) Staying in First Love seems not to be permanent, most time is spent in Relational. Persistence of even lower stages.
33:50 States and Stages chart: collective states parallel individual ones but tend to eventually predominate. Tom gives an example (Helen Palmer) and leads us up the serpentine chart.
39:30 Heidi gives personal testimony of this serpentine nature. Maybe a SPIRAL?
41:45 Preparing for the exercise. (See chart for the couples themselves) a quick aside to current politics which may apply to couples – and vice versa. Heidi explains.
47:07 Be careful with item 4! Possible jealousy if one’s partner enters a we space with someone other than the partner. 2 examples from Tom’s experience.
50:50 Tom’s paper in 2016 Journal of Integral Theory and Practice. At a high level, fidelity can become a problem because it’s easy to really love others. Keith Witt’s “confession to Jeff Salzman that he “falls in love with all (his) patients.” It will get complicated!
53:14 New chart: Skills and Couples Stage: at Roles stage, unfinished individual issues arise rather than relationship issues. Emotional discipline required! Also merger can be confused with communion. You need an ego before you can dissolve it! Where does that couples line break down?
58:05 Mark asks about the “amalgamation” of the lower left and lower right
1:01:00 Material for another podcast! Continuing with the chart: the wound as an entry point. The lower expression can be exploited by politicians , etc.
1:06:00 Moving up the chart to First Love, in contrast to the reactive stages, a rational way to deal with problems leading possibly to a unity experience
1:09:38 Jumping to the ownership of projection, how to question if it’s present or not. Tom claims that in the BEST relationships, the rate of projection is 50% and everyone else approaches 100% projection! Our own history with this.
1:13:30 the subtle stages these projections re-appear as later on so we can read deeper and deeper now that the lower right structures are in place.
1:15:30 Plans for the next Integral European Experience, wish lists. Lower right work
1.16:50 How to reach Tom: firstname.lastname@example.org. Last words, thank you’s, goodbye’s